Mike Tyson and I have a lot of things in common. We're both terrible singers, Phil Collins fans, and get hungry when we exercise. One point where we are at opposite ends of the spectrum: pigeons. Tyson loves 'em. I strongly dislike 'em. While I have nothing against pigeons on a personal level and even though I would never bring harm to a single pigeon even if it was totally asking for it, I wouldn't mind if they no longer inhabited a 20 mile radius around my apartment. It would make my life easier and my balcony, uh, less poop-y. That's meant literally and is, honestly, the only PG rated term I can use in this blog. You know what I'm getting at. I can't spell it out for you. No really, I can't.

Ask most people in Halifax with a balcony about yea high, I'm sure they have the same problem. I don't think the pigeons intend any malice towards me, however, they're not the cleanest of animals and they can really make a mess of the place. I'm sure they only have the best of intentions but they do more harm than good. What I did to have my balcony become the personal bathroom of a whole flock, I'm not sure, but if I did know I'd take it back in an instant. They're around so often I started giving them names there's Sleepy and Grumpy and Sneezy and Doc, I'm not the best at naming things. Naming them hasn't made me any more attached to them and, frankly, I'd like the whole bunch of them to flock together elsewhere.

At my old apartment I had sanctuary but it came at a cost, ugly netting was stapled around the opening of my balcony. This turned already unattractive, old cement balcony into a really unattractive, but pigeon-free balcony. While not bothered by the birds, it was not a fun place to hang out. Plus the sun never really reached it except for early in the morning, but that's not the pigeons' fault. Or is it?

I know of a few possible fixes, I could go back to the dreaded balcony netting but I'd rather not. Observing a few of my neighbours' balconies I see another solution. Plastic owls. This won't work for a few reasons the first being that while owls may scare off pigeons, I am more afraid of owls than any pigeon. They're terrifying. Try making eye contact with one, it's not a pleasant experience. The second reason I feel it won't work is that one of the plastic owls I've seen is covered in, let's say former pigeon food. I can only guess that the pigeons aren't too scared of something they poop on. The solution must be out there.

Sorry for all the fecal talk, but that's the reality of dealing with pigeons. The whole world is their litter box and they don't care who they hurt. But I'm taking a stand, I will find the solution. Or die trying. Or move. Or just give up after a while. Still, I don't like 'em.