Can't afford a Batcave? How about a Man Cave?
I'm Batman. What are "Things I wish I could say without being laughed out of the room?" Yes, nailed it. I'll take Random The Dark Knight Rises tie-ins for $800, Alex.
Has there been a more anticipated movie? Besides the last Batman movie, of course.
I haven't met every man in the world, but I'm willing to bet a high percentage of them would be Batman if given the choice of being any superhero imaginable. Superman is great, but there's too many Kryptonian complications; Spiderman is sort of a nerd (not that there's anything wrong with that), and then there's, you know, the rest. Batman is a billionaire vigilante with a whole arsenal of weapons at his disposal. He's like Iron Man without the constant threat of shrapnel killing him. He also faces off against some of the most memorable villains in comic book lore. Joker, Two-Face, Riddler, you catch my drift.
Unfortunately, being Batman is impossible for most of us, except for Mark Zuckerberg. So what's the next best option? Man Cave!
Now Man Cave, much like bromance, is an overused term without much meaning. So what is it? Think Sydney Fife's (Jason Segel) garage in I Love You, Man. Haven't seen it? Why are you even reading this blog? Go watch.
Now a garage is all well and good; you can be almost as loud as you want. Just keep it lower than Springsteen and McCartney. Apartments are a different deal, most of us have people to the left, right, above and below us. Plus, you're renting, so complete overhauls are out of the question. So here's how to Man (or woman) cave your apartment (Seven ways for each of the seven modern Batman movies):
1) You know what's cool? Listening to loud movies on a great surround sound. You know what's not cool? Living next to the person doing that. Do unto others. Get a half or even quarter-decent set, and don't leave the subwoofer on the floor. Buy second-hand to save some cash.
2) PS3 or Blu-ray player with Wifi: Watch the best movies in HD. Also, they allow you to stream Netflix, which gets better by the day. Also, Blu-ray players get cheaper by the day and they take up little room when moving.
3) HDTV: If you're buying a new one, you don't have a choice. Doesn't have to be the best of the bunch. These TVs are light and versatile.
4) Doorway chin-up bar: After watching Batman you're going to want to try and emulate him. This will get you started. Cheap, effective, easily stored.
5) Wine rack: Batman knows how to host a party. Know what takes up a lot of room in a fridge? A 12 pack, especially if you share the fridge. Go with wine. Yes, wine is manly now.
6) Cast-iron skillet: Heavy, but worth it. Don't wash with soap and water. Transfers easily from the stove-top to the oven. If you only want one pan, this is it.
7) Old school movie/music posters: Avoid Blow, Scarface, The Godfather, anything that was, or could have been, in your college dorm. Be creative.
There you have it. Well, that'll get you started at least. You may not be able to honestly say, "I'm Batman," but you will be able to enjoy five of the seven (no one can genuinely enjoy the Schumacher catastrophes) Batman films.
Now, I don't know why you're reading this (oh, you don't either? Good comeback). You should be waiting in line for the midnight showings of The Dark Knight Rises that start on Thursday. That's where I'm writing this from. Hurry up or you may miss out. Good luck and happy Dark Knight-ing.
No spoilers, please.